Saturday, July 28, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Joke - A Stolen Credit Card
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Joke - The Bum on a Street
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Joke - Viagra Cut into Four
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That`s no problem. How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That`s too small a dose. That won`t get you through sex.
"The gentleman said, "Oh, that`s all right. I`m past eighty years old, and I don`t even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don`t pee on my shoes.
The pharmacist said "That`s no problem. How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That`s too small a dose. That won`t get you through sex.
"The gentleman said, "Oh, that`s all right. I`m past eighty years old, and I don`t even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don`t pee on my shoes.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Joke - You Should Learn to be More Polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Joke - Spell L-O-V-E
A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, ''Please let me in to heaven.''
The other man says, ''I have to give you a test first.''
The man coming into heaven says, ''Oh jeez I'm not too good at tests!''
The other man says, ''Spell LOVE'' The man spells it, and he is let into heaven.
Then a woman comes floating up and says, ''Please let me into heaven,'' and the man replies, ''Only if you pass this test.''
The woman says, ''Oh no, I'm not very good at tests.''
The man says, ''Your test is to spell LOVE.''
She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven.
The next person that comes floating up is the man's wife. She says, ''OK honey, let me in to heaven.''
The man says, ''I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven.''
She says, ''OK, make it an easy one!!!''
Then the man says, ''Spell Hemorrhoid.''
The other man says, ''I have to give you a test first.''
The man coming into heaven says, ''Oh jeez I'm not too good at tests!''
The other man says, ''Spell LOVE'' The man spells it, and he is let into heaven.
Then a woman comes floating up and says, ''Please let me into heaven,'' and the man replies, ''Only if you pass this test.''
The woman says, ''Oh no, I'm not very good at tests.''
The man says, ''Your test is to spell LOVE.''
She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven.
The next person that comes floating up is the man's wife. She says, ''OK honey, let me in to heaven.''
The man says, ''I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven.''
She says, ''OK, make it an easy one!!!''
Then the man says, ''Spell Hemorrhoid.''
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Joke - Lessons in Corporate Finance
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
"I'll get it," the wife says, quickly wrapping herself up in a towel and running downstairs.
When she opens the door she finds Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $750 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds of rapt appreciation, Bob hands her $750 and leaves. Confused but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps herself back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she returns to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $750 I lent him last night?"
"I'll get it," the wife says, quickly wrapping herself up in a towel and running downstairs.
When she opens the door she finds Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $750 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds of rapt appreciation, Bob hands her $750 and leaves. Confused but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps herself back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she returns to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $750 I lent him last night?"
Monday, July 16, 2007
Joke - The Family of Tomatoes
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind.
The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Joke - Holding the Baby
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey.
Joke - Child Sent to Bed
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty.
Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...
Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty.
Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...
Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Joke - Lawyer Fish
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Joke - Top Ten Caddy Comments
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Monday, July 9, 2007
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