Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Joke - Farting Problem
There's a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting.
She farts all the time, yet is never able to smell or hear them.
So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem.
She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear.
The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later.
When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs.
The doctor's only reaction to this was... “It's good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing....”
She farts all the time, yet is never able to smell or hear them.
So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem.
She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear.
The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later.
When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs.
The doctor's only reaction to this was... “It's good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing....”
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Joke - Viagra
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight...
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
His son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered his son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under your pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you, each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
His son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered his son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under your pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you, each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Joke - Universal laws
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Joke - Maths
A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, “Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.”
“Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine...”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I'm doing my maths homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in maths?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”
He said to himself, “Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.”
“Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine...”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I'm doing my maths homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in maths?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Weird News - Man Spells Out Marriage Proposal in Ohio Field
The Associated Press
A wheat farm, large plastic letters and his dad's small plane? Jason Kahle thought it had a ring to it. He took his 23-year-old girlfriend, Aleasha Decker, up in the air Aug. 9 under the guise of photographing some relatives' houses in Kalida, about 60 miles southwest of Toledo in northwestern Ohio.
As Kahle's dad steered the plane, Decker looked out the window. She saw the question "Aleasha, marry me?" in 20-foot sheet plastic letters on top of a harvested field. She turned to find Kahle holding out a ring.
A wedding date has been set for June 5, 2010.
A wheat farm, large plastic letters and his dad's small plane? Jason Kahle thought it had a ring to it. He took his 23-year-old girlfriend, Aleasha Decker, up in the air Aug. 9 under the guise of photographing some relatives' houses in Kalida, about 60 miles southwest of Toledo in northwestern Ohio.
As Kahle's dad steered the plane, Decker looked out the window. She saw the question "Aleasha, marry me?" in 20-foot sheet plastic letters on top of a harvested field. She turned to find Kahle holding out a ring.
A wedding date has been set for June 5, 2010.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Weird News - Cincinnati Man Arrested 146 Times Since 1998
The Associated Press
Authorities said Bennie Crabtree is the most-arrested man in the county. Records show he has been arrested 146 times since 1998, when Hamilton County's record-keeping system was updated. Veteran police officers said he was arrested many more times in the decades before that.
Crabtree's record includes criminal trespassing, disorderly conduct and theft. Police say he steals food and intrudes in places such as the University of Cincinnati, hospitals and businesses. He's never done anything serious enough to be sent to prison.
Because of jail overcrowding, he's now often released hours after arrest.
Police say the 61-year-old man has lived mostly on the streets and has some mental problems.
A social worker says Crabtree is lonely.
Authorities said Bennie Crabtree is the most-arrested man in the county. Records show he has been arrested 146 times since 1998, when Hamilton County's record-keeping system was updated. Veteran police officers said he was arrested many more times in the decades before that.
Crabtree's record includes criminal trespassing, disorderly conduct and theft. Police say he steals food and intrudes in places such as the University of Cincinnati, hospitals and businesses. He's never done anything serious enough to be sent to prison.
Because of jail overcrowding, he's now often released hours after arrest.
Police say the 61-year-old man has lived mostly on the streets and has some mental problems.
A social worker says Crabtree is lonely.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Weird News - Georgia man wins big lottery prizes twice in week
The Associated Press
A 62-year-old man struck it big twice in the Georgia Lottery. Earl Fritz won the top prize of $777,777 in the instant game Super Lucky 7's. That dwarfed the $1,000 he won a week earlier in a different game. The carpenter said he felt lucky a week ago and now feels a little bit luckier.
Fritz said he didn't realize he had won the big prize at first because he wasn't wearing his glasses.
The first win came in the instant game Extreme Green.
Fritz and his wife have not decided what to do with the money.
A 62-year-old man struck it big twice in the Georgia Lottery. Earl Fritz won the top prize of $777,777 in the instant game Super Lucky 7's. That dwarfed the $1,000 he won a week earlier in a different game. The carpenter said he felt lucky a week ago and now feels a little bit luckier.
Fritz said he didn't realize he had won the big prize at first because he wasn't wearing his glasses.
The first win came in the instant game Extreme Green.
Fritz and his wife have not decided what to do with the money.
Weird News - Montana woman uses chickens as therapy animals
The Associated Press
Therapy dogs can be a comfort for seniors and those recovering from illnesses and injuries. So how about therapy chickens? Jana Clairmont of Polson, Mont., calls her therapy birds — a white rooster and Cornish game hen — "Fowl Play."
On Thursday, she took them to visit residents at Polson Health and Rehabilitation Center in northeast Montana.
Many seniors were raised on farms, Clairmont says, and holding a chicken can bring back memories.
As one man stroked the rooster, Alex, the bird stretched out his neck and rested it across the man's forearm, like a puppy.
Clairmont has arranged visits to retirement and assisted living homes, and says she'd like to take Alex and Carlita, the hen, into classrooms this fall.
Therapy dogs can be a comfort for seniors and those recovering from illnesses and injuries. So how about therapy chickens? Jana Clairmont of Polson, Mont., calls her therapy birds — a white rooster and Cornish game hen — "Fowl Play."
On Thursday, she took them to visit residents at Polson Health and Rehabilitation Center in northeast Montana.
Many seniors were raised on farms, Clairmont says, and holding a chicken can bring back memories.
As one man stroked the rooster, Alex, the bird stretched out his neck and rested it across the man's forearm, like a puppy.
Clairmont has arranged visits to retirement and assisted living homes, and says she'd like to take Alex and Carlita, the hen, into classrooms this fall.
Joke - Old Man
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she says.
“What’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he responds.
“I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fat foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman answered, “How old are you?”
“Forty-six,” he said.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she says.
“What’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he responds.
“I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fat foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman answered, “How old are you?”
“Forty-six,” he said.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Joke - Latex Gloves
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor, "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor, "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Joke - 9999999999
One day, on 9/9/99, a man woke up at 9:09 a.m. in the morning, jumped on Bus #99 and went to his favorite restaurant on 9th Street.
When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.
"Oh, wow, this is an omen!" the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99¢ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus #99 to the Race Track.
As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: "I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race."
"Why those particular numbers?" the ticket agent asked.
"Nine seems to be my lucky number today," the man said excitedly, "I'm really on a roll!"
Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up. Sure enough, he was on a roll.
The horse came in ninth.
When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.
"Oh, wow, this is an omen!" the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99¢ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus #99 to the Race Track.
As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: "I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race."
"Why those particular numbers?" the ticket agent asked.
"Nine seems to be my lucky number today," the man said excitedly, "I'm really on a roll!"
Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up. Sure enough, he was on a roll.
The horse came in ninth.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Joke - Looking for me!
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialled the employees’ home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”.
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”
He dialled the employees’ home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”.
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Joke - Engineer
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $5000 from the engineer for his services.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded:
One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $4999
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $5000 from the engineer for his services.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded:
One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $4999
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
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